Everybody Wants to Be a Cat
by caitthecursed
Summary: A mishap with an enemy ninjutsu leaves Sasuke at his rival's mercy, but who's really getting the short end of the stick? Naruto/Sasuke pre-ship, catboys, vague parody if you really squint. Rated T for language.


**A/N: **This is the fluffiest piece of fiction I have ever written, both figuratively and literally. It's also an excuse to practice my favorite pastime of tormenting Sasuke Uchiha. Enjoy.

* * *

"Sakura, I don't understand. What exactly happened out there?"

"I don't know, Kakashi-sensei! One moment he was fine, and the next he was…" Sakura swallowed hard, her eyes darting back to the clearing. "Could it be some kind of illusionary technique?"

Kakashi sighed. "If he's been like this since the fight, I imagine not. It must be a specialized type of ninjutsu."

Naruto looked up, scowling. "What the hell kind of ninjutsu would turn him into a frigging CAT!"

In the clearing, Sasuke's attention was fixed on a cricket trapped under his paws—_hands,_ Naruto reminded himself. He still had hands, even if he was crouching on all fours and making weird sounds in the back of his throat. _This is the freakiest shit ever,_ Naruto thought, watching as Sasuke's very human hand darted out to swipe at the cricket. He gave up after a moment, then began crawling in a disturbingly sinuous lope towards…well, shit.

Naruto did not have any fond feelings towards cats. He'd spent enough time fighting with them over food scraps and sleeping space to know they were vile, soulless beings created solely to torment mankind. So when Sasuke crawled over to Naruto, rolled onto his back, and looked up at him with the biggest, wettest, most desperate eyes Naruto had ever seen, he had to fight the urge to kick him.

"I wouldn't worry. It should start wearing off after a week or two. In the meantime, he seems to have taken a liking to you, Naruto, so you should probably take him home with you."

"Oh, HELL no! I am not sharing a place with this freak!"

"I could take him, Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura knelt down, reaching out a trembling hand for Sasuke's exposed stomach. "Who-who's a good kitty? Oh, Sasuke, you're such a cute little—OUCH!"

Sasuke released Sakura's arm from his mouth, then turned back and nuzzled Naruto's legs. Avoiding Sakura's death glare, Naruto looked up at Kakashi and gave a heavy sigh.

"Oh, fine. I'll take him home with me."

"Excellent! You're a very good teammate." Kakashi gave Naruto's shoulder a pat, then followed Sakura toward the village. Naruto looked down—Sasuke was chewing on his armband, looking up at him like he was the most fascinating thing in the world.

"You owe me, bastard," he muttered.

"Nya," Sasuke said.

—

Day Two

Naruto was sprawled on the couch, full of ramen and dressed only in a pair of shorts. It was disgustingly hot for evening, and even with all the windows open, Naruto could barely muster the energy to breathe.

"Nya?"

Naruto moaned, glancing over. Sasuke sat on the floor, watching him expectantly. "Go away. I fed you already."

He threw an arm over his eyes, but the mewling persisted. After a moment, he felt something warm batting at his stomach.

"Hey!" He sat up, startling Sasuke back onto his heels. "What'd you do that for? You can't just paw at me while I'm trying to sleep. Bad kitty." With more glee than was strictly necessary, he pulled the pillow from behind his head and threw it at Sasuke. "No groping. Now leave me alone."

Sasuke yelped as the pillow hit him. His shoulders seemed to deflate, and he looked down at his hands with a somewhat dejected expression. Naruto wasn't fooled—as if an Uchiha could feel dejected! He must want something.

"What is it, bastard? Do you need more water? Or are you complaining because my food isn't good enough for your fancy Uchiha palate?"

He was fairly certain that Sasuke couldn't understand him, but he liked complaining. After another moment of sulking, Sasuke raised his head. Naruto was probably going crazy, but he'd swear there was something triumphant about Sasuke's expression.

With an acrobatic gesture not intended for someone Sasuke's size, he leapt up onto the sofa and curled in on himself. He shut his eyes, and after a moment Naruto could see him breathing deeply. No longer able to stretch his legs out, Naruto had to tuck them practically under his chin in order to fit on the sofa.

"You manipulative little shit," he muttered. The energy required to curl into the fetal position was less than that of moving to his bedroom, so he shifted into the cushions and settled into sleep.

—

Day Five

"So then, I try to push him in the bathtub, and he nearly claws my face off! I mean, it's been a gazillion degrees out—and it's not like he could've taken a shower by himself, or anything—but he acted like I was trying to shove him in a pit of lava." Naruto pushed his sleeve up, revealing angry red streaks all up his arm. "That bastard owes me his fucking _soul_."

Kiba grimaced. "That's nasty, man." He shot a glance over at Akamaru, who was currently caught in a staring match with Sasuke. "Say, you didn't have to, like…strip him, did you?"

Naruto's heart shot violently into his throat. "What? No! No, no, never in a million years no! Bastard can bathe in his clothes. God, who do you think I am, Sakura?" He shifted in his seat, ignoring the impulse to look over at Sasuke.

Kiba gave a high-pitched bark of laughter. "Oh, man. You're totally lying. You want to see him naked!"

"I do not! I'm not lying!" What, now Kiba thought he was gay? This whole ordeal was going to kill him. I mean, naked Sasuke would've been weird. Nervous and shivery and weird, with a healthy dose of mental short-circuiting. Not something he wanted to get out of this experience.

"You're really reaching, Kiba. Me and Sasuke hate each other. Like, 'follow you to the end of the world to destroy you' hate each other. Besides, do you really think Sasuke would let me take his clothes off? Even if I had tried—which I absolutely didn't—I'd be missing some pretty important body parts right now."

"Nya!"

Sasuke had left Akamaru cowering, and was now sitting at Naruto's feet. He mewed again and rubbed his head against Naruto's knee.

"What the fuck?" Kiba started laughing again, as Sasuke rubbed himself all over Naruto's legs. Naruto, who had somehow lost the ability to breathe, nearly jumped out of his skin when Sasuke planted his chin on Naruto's knees and let out a weird, throaty noise that sounded horribly like…

"Holy fuck, Naruto. Is His Royal Uchiha Bastardness _purring?_"

—

Day Eight

After about a week (and after several altercations that left Naruto's limbs covered in bite-and-scratch marks), Naruto and Sasuke were finally getting the hang of cohabitation. Naruto would go out and train, come home, make a double order of ramen with shrimp, then laze on the sofa tossing balled-up socks around for Sasuke to play with. It was almost nice.

Less nice was the knowledge that the jutsu could wear off any moment. Feline Sasuke was a fucking cuddle whore, even if it was purely because it pissed Naruto off. And although he would never admit this to anyone, it pissed Naruto off a good deal less than it had at the beginning of the week.

"I mean, it's not like I actually like him now or anything," he grumbled. He leaned heavily on Iruka's kitchen table, shoveling ramen into his mouth. "I just don't want to be there when he switches back. What if he remembers that he's been rubbing all over me for the past week? What if he knows I've had to get him in and out of the bathtub? What if he knows I've been feeding him nothing but cheap ramen?"

"Naruto, relax. I'm sure Sasuke will understand." Iruka tossed a piece of bread into the next room, and Sasuke darted after it. "He will probably be grateful that you took care of him. You could have left him out in the cold, but you fed him and played with him and gave him baths. That's a very selfless thing to do for a rival."

"That'll only make it worse!" Naruto buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Sasuke would never want to be taken care of, especially not by me. He'd probably prefer it if I'd left him in the cold."

There was a loud yowl from the next room, and they got up from the table. Sasuke was in the corner, tangled hopelessly in three different colors of yarn. He was batting a ball of it back and forth, moving with a predatory intensity Naruto found strangely familiar.

"Does he do this to your things, Naruto?" Iruka sounded tense. The ball of yarn rolled away from Sasuke, who waited a moment before pouncing enthusiastically. He ducked his head and began gnawing at the outlying strands.

"Hell no," Naruto scoffed. "I'm a ninja. Ninjas don't knit."

—

Day Ten

The blistering heat finally abated, bringing thunderstorms that lasted from early evening well into the night. Naruto had been trying to sleep for at least an hour, but the thunder was too loud and the air was too sticky and the lightning was making him see spots. He rolled over for the six hundredth time and sprawled on his back, half hanging off the mattress.

"Nya!"

Sasuke could barely be heard over the pounding rain, but Naruto looked up anyway. His outline crouched in the doorway, fuzzy and black over an even fuzzier background. Thunder crashed again, and Sasuke darted on all fours (he'd gotten freakishly good at that) into the room and onto Naruto's bed.

"Hey! What are you…?" Sasuke crawled around for a moment before lying down in the crook of Naruto's shoulder. Lightning flashed, and he gave another frightened mew and curled tighter against Naruto's side.

"Oh, what the _hell._"

Naruto brought his arm up to cradle Sasuke's shoulders, using his other hand to sweep the hair off Sasuke's face. His hair was soft, and smelled sweet—like fruit or flowers or something. It should have been a girly smell, but somehow it fit Sasuke perfectly. Naruto would be damned if he'd think that in the daylight hours, but right now he was beyond caring.

"It's okay," he muttered, rubbing a soothing hand across Sasuke's arm. "It's just a thunderstorm. I know it's loud, but it'll be over soon. Then the sun will come back, and we'll be boiled alive again." A crack of thunder made Sasuke jump. "Hush, it's okay. If the storm was gone, you'd be complaining about the quiet. At least you can't bitch at me with actual words." He ran his fingers through Sasuke's hair, which made him hum contentedly and press into Naruto's shoulder.

"When I was little, and thunderstorms freaked me out, I used to pretend it was the thunder god and the lightning god having a kick-ass battle to the death. With cannons and flamethrowers and everything." The sound of his voice seemed to calm Sasuke, so he kept talking, making up a story about the proud Thunder God and his annoying yet absurdly clever and handsome adversary, the Lightning God. After a while, the rise and fall of Sasuke's chest under his arm had become deep and even. Oddly, the sensation was enough to lull Naruto to sleep as well.

—

The Next Morning

Naruto groaned. Sunlight pierced his eyes, raw from sleep, and the air was humid enough to swim in. Adding to his discomfort was a hot shape pressing against his right arm, giving him pins and needles and making him even warmer.

"What the hell?" He turned his head to find a sleepy Uchiha curled against him, one arm slung across his bare chest. His heart thudded painfully as he remembered the events of the previous night. Naruto's actions didn't look nearly as necessary or obvious in the light of day.

Sasuke groaned sleepily. He burrowed into Naruto's chest, fingers stretching. The sensation tickled, and Naruto brought a hand up to Sasuke's hair.

"See? I told you it would be hot and gross by morning." He rubbed Sasuke's scalp, which he'd discovered was a surefire way to make Sasuke purr and go limp. He responded admirably, fingers twitching as he melted against Naruto. He made another little noise, trying weakly to raise his head.

"What in the name of holy hell do you think you're doing?" Sasuke muttered, his voice thick with sleep and murderous impulses.

Naruto would have nightmares about this moment for the rest of his life.


End file.
